My life ended in 1999 and it took 16 years to get it back. I still don’t know what snapped in my head but suddenly all I thought about was suicide. I self-harmed, I’d overdose, I’d drink too much or took opioids in excess. I wasn’t fighting, I was giving up. I didn’t know how to survive.
I was admitted 18 times to different psych wards. I had 27 rounds of ECT. I had what felt like, hundreds of cocktails of meds. I was hopeless and broken.
Psychiatrists told me I was too complicated as a patient and they couldn’t help me anymore. I cried, I screamed, I blamed, and I couldn’t do this anymore. What had I done that was so bad that I had to live with this disease?
I am diagnosed with Bipolar, BPD, ADD, PTSD, Anxiety and major Depression. I have finally come to realize that I have these things, but they aren’t what I am.
As I write this, I am stable for the first time since 1999. I have two great therapists, a Nurse Practitioner that doesn’t give up on me. I’ve been sober from alcohol 7 months and drug free since 2008. I have the support of my husband who has taken care of me since 1995 and my best friend, who can really save the day at times.
I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m not waiting anymore. I take each day as a blessing from Mother Earth. I have a reason to have lived through 2 suicide attempts, that resulted in breathing tubes, breathing for me. I don’t want to go back. This is my story to tell, the good and the bad.
I am a fighter now and my story won’t ever be over.